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Thursday, April 17, 2014

Wait ... God Hates DOGS?

About a month after the death of Fred Phelps, infamous “God Hates Fags!” activist and founder of the funeral-crashing Westboro Baptist Church, I came across this unique sermon, a sort of eulogy to Phelps.

I’m not familiar with the works or preaching of the minister below, a “Rev. Daley O’Grasper,” but I’m certain he wouldn’t mind the blatant abuse of copyright laws I commit here by quoting his sermon in full.  Surely he wants his message spread to as wide an audience as possible.  As you’ll see, he does a remarkable job of showing Biblically how “God Hates Fags!” is only the beginning, and how applying the same Westboro Baptist Scriptural approach to other areas of the Bible will lead us ever closer to becoming a pure and righteous nation.  His message comes across more strongly if you imagine his voice in a down-home preacher accent. 

On a personal note … I'm not fond of his use of Phelp's term "fags."  But I sure am relieved I only own a cat.


A SERMON BY THE REV. DALEY O’GRASPER
“Beyond Hating Fags”  ~ April 13, 2014


Brother and sisters, a shining light of truth has gone out.  The Reverend Fred A. Phelps, a man fearless in his proclamation of the truth, has finally gone on to glory, and we are left a little emptier in our efforts to beat some godly sense into this godforsaken nation.  More than anyone, Fred knew the Biblical principle that the “kingdom of heaven is born of violence, and the violent must take it by force.”

We have lost a Four-Star General in our Sodomite Wars.

And I know what you feel, brothers and sisters!  I know you are asking, “Reverend O’Grasper, who will lead us now?  Reverend O’Grasper, is all now lost, and must we now quit the field of battle, ceding ground to the Gay Brigades?”

Take heart, my children of God.  For the Reverend Daley O’Grasper knows what must be done.  We will not give up ground!  We will not end the fight!

In fact, we will win new ground.  We will fight an even broader fight.

Fred Phelps, I tell you now, did not go far enough.  Did you hear me?  I’ll say it again.  Fred Phelps did not go far enough with his “God Hates Fags” crusade, for the Bible reveals to us an even graver threat to the sanctity of American families.  There is an anti-Scriptural curse within millions of homes throughout this land, and it has been here in front of our eyes for so long, it must be that we were too blind to see it.

Brothers and sisters … God Hates Dogs.


The Biblical Case


Oh, brothers, I know you’re gasping at that!  Sisters, I know you are clutching your pearls.  But biblical truth will not be kept silent, not while the Reverend Daley O’Grasper still has breath in his lungs!

Protest all you wish, but the simple fact is: the God of the Bible hates dogs even more than He hates “fags.”

Homosexuality is mentioned in 8 books of the Bible.  But dogs?  The canine curse?  They are mentioned negatively in 19 books of the Bible, a full 237% more books than those mentioning homosexuals.

And distinct passages within those books?  Homosexuality is mentioned or implied in 9, yes only 9 different passages, and then only if you stretch it a little.  But dogs?  The four-footed fiends?  They are condemned in 32 distinct passages, 356% more condemnation than what the Lord provided for those homosexuals we so vehemently oppose.

Perhaps you claim I’m playing a cute numbers game … but I tell you, they are God’s numbers, it is no game, and to question them is to question the Almighty himself!

Perhaps you say that the dogs are sometimes only used as a metaphor for the heathen … but I answer you, God selected that metaphor because it was the creature he found most disgusting on the face of the Earth.  For why would He use dogs as a metaphor of His disgust if they did not disgust Him?

Perhaps you think “common sense” should overrule the divine revelation of the inerrant Word of God … but I say to you that your love of cuddly Mr. Muffins the chihuahua or noble Rex the German shepherd is no love at all, but a lie of the devil as he tries to fill our homes with creatures contrary to the righteousness of God.

If you have a household dog … a creature condemned by God himself, interacting with your loved ones … then you have brought utter perversity into your home.

From here on, our message will be this: If we spend a day in our fight against homosexuals in America, we must commit 3 to 4 of the following days in our fight against the far more hated creature of Scripture, the dog.

For God hates dogs, and He hates you if you love them in defiance to His Word.


Scriptural Lessons about Dog Ownership

The Reverend Daley O’ Grasper says unto you: If dogs could talk, they would say bad things about holy people.

“But against any of the children of Israel shall not a dog move his tongue, against man or beast: that ye may know how that the Lord doth put a difference between the Egyptians and Israel.” (Exodus 11:7)

What you pay to buy or "adopt" the abomination called “dog” is equivalent to what you pay a whore.

“Thou shalt not bring the hire of a whore, or the price of a dog, into the house of the Lord thy God for any vow: for even both these are abomination unto the Lord thy God.” (Deut 23:18)

Dogs are equated with sexually aberrant behavior.

2 Sam. 3:8 -- Abner protests that having inappropriate relations with his father's concubine would make him a "dog's head."

Dogs are unworthy as protectors of your children.

God has Gideon reject any warrior who drinks water “like a dog” rather than with their hands, for by that behavior they show themselves to be unfit as God's holy warriors. (Judges 7:5-7)

Dogs are lowly, and to be considered one is insulting.

“And the Philistine said unto David, Am I a dog, that thou comest to me with staves? And the Philistine cursed David by his gods.” (I Sam. 17:43)  Further, Abishai calls a "dead dog" one who has insulted King David (2 Sam. 16:9).

Dogs eat the fallen bodies of the cursed.

I Kings 14:11; 1 Kings 16:4 -- Those who die cursed are eaten by dogs.  In addition, I Kings 21:19-23 shows that as part of a holy man’s curse, dogs lick up the blood of the condemned (Elijah to Ahab); and dogs eat the condemned one's wife (Jezebel).

Dogs killed the Messiah.

Psalms 22:16 – “For dogs have compassed me: the assembly of the wicked have inclosed me: they pierced my hands and my feet.”  (A prophesy of the Christ!  God saw dogs as so despicable that He casts them in the role of murdering His own Son!)

A dog symbolizes hateful, vicious violence.

2 Kings 8:13 -- One who slays men, dashes children, and rips open pregnant women is a dog.

Heathens are dogs.

Psalm 59:6-8 -- “They return at evening: they make a noise like a dog, and go round about the city.  Behold, they belch out with their mouth: swords are in their lips: for who, say they, doth hear? But thou, O Lord, shalt laugh at them; thou shalt have all the heathen in derision.”

Dogs are foolish and violent.

Proverbs 26:11, 17 – “As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly ... He that passeth by, and meddleth with strife belonging not to him, is like one that taketh a dog by the ears.”

Dogs are the pinnacle of sloth and greed.

Isaiah 56:10-11 – “His watchmen are blind: they are all ignorant, they are all dumb dogs, they cannot bark; sleeping, lying down, loving to slumber.  Yea, they are greedy dogs which can never have enough, and they are shepherds that cannot understand: they all look to their own way, every one for his gain, from his quarter.”

Dogs are vicious deliverers of God's insult and wrath.

Jer. 15:3 – “And I will appoint over them four kinds, saith the Lord: the sword to slay, and the dogs to tear, and the fowls of the heaven, and the beasts of the earth, to devour and destroy.”

Nothing holy should be given to dogs.

Matt. 7:6 – “Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.”

Dogs = Evil workers.

Philippians 3:2 – “Beware of dogs, beware of evil workers, beware of the concision.”

Dog will not run from repetitive acts of sin.

2 Peter 2:22 – “But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, the dog is turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire.”

Dogs are not in heaven -- they are outside the gates with the evildoers.

Rev. 22:14-15 – “Blessed are they that do his commandments, that they may have right to the tree of life, and may enter in through the gates into the city. For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.”


Conclusion

This is the creature Americans see as a member of the family.  This is the foul beast that they let play with their children, guard their home.  This is the biblical view of the brute some dare call Man's Best Friend.

Yes, brothers and sisters, the Word of God is hard.  The path of righteousness is not an easy one.  Even here today, I see that half of this very congregation has stood up and stormed out of here, furious to hear the Word of truth so plainly proclaimed.

Every single one of them is a dog lover, and, as such, is an enemy of this great nation and the Word of God.

We must oppose them, my dear remnant.  And we must oppose them 3 to 4 times as much as we have previously opposed homosexuals, as the Word of God makes clear.

Those who left during this sermon … they will be outside the gates of the Heavenly City when final judgment comes.  Only the baying of their rancid, evil pets will accompany the flames that consume them.

For truly, my brothers and sisters … God.  Hates.  Dogs.

And if you can’t see that, you’ll have forever to regret it.

Let us pray …

____________________________________________________________


A final thought from Cosmic Parx:

Did it strike anyone else as kind of ironic that the initials for the Reverend  Daley O’ Grasper would be Rev. D.O’G.?

Marana Tha,

Cosmic Parx

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

R.I.P. Fred Phelps and Westboro Baptists


It’s been a couple weeks since the death of Fred W. Phelps, founder of the “God Hates Fags” Web site and leader of the funeral-protesting Westboro Baptist Church.  His passing brings to my mind a number of times I’ve been questioned over the past few months about the ONA policy of my East Coast congregation, the United Church of Christ.  “ONA” stands for “open and affirming,” a position of acceptance toward our gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered members.

UCC is, in effect, the polar opposite of the Westboros of this world.  We are decidedly NonFred Phelpsian.

“Do you go to that gay church?” a friend recently asked me in my social network world of Second Life (where I’m also an active member of a UCC ministry).  That’s an odd question, since being ONA does not make UCC a “gay church” any more than being handicapped-accessible makes our congregation a “disabilities church.”  Our openness to Latino members doesn’t make us a “Spanish church.”  Our acceptance of elderly members doesn’t make us a “geriatric church.”

We are, quite simply, the Church.

Whose Church?  Christ’s.  No other modifier is needed, although we choose by our name to emphasize that we find our unity in Him, making us a United Church of Christ.

“But what about the fact that the Bible condemns homosexuals eternally to the fires of hell?” some of my friends wonder at me.  And yes, I do consider these people my friends and my brothers and sisters in Christ, and I am pleased they are honest with me about their concerns.

I answer: “That’s not our interpretation of Scripture.  We don’t believe the Bible actually teaches any such thing.”

“But it does!” some of my friends insist.  “It’s right there in black and white!  How can you believe the Bible doesn’t teach that?”

And with that question, I step gently into The Talk.  I only offer The Talk to those who seem genuinely interested in knowing how we at UCC approach Scripture.  I try to initiate The Talk with the humility of spirit I imagine would be found in a 19th century abolitionist talking gently to a dear friend who insists slavery is approved by Scripture.

I present The Talk here in its entirety.  I’ve written it up as a script with some usage directions, the mental instructions I give myself while I use it and adapt it to the individual to whom I'm ministering.

The Talk isn’t an exercise in Biblical exegesis.  It’s conducted at a much more basic level than that, the core hermeneutics of how the Bible is approached as a work communicating the mind and will of God.  I take this approach not simply to avoid tedious disputes over the ungodliness of eating lobster and wearing mixed fabrics, but to drive home a basic fact: most ONA congregations approach Scripture in exactly the same manner as the vast majority of Evangelicals.


THE TALK

:::::
A Response to Evangelicals about Why the United Church of Christ (and other Christian denominations) Are Open and Affirming for the LGBT Community
:::::

((NOTE: Please feel free to use and modify this as a conversation guide for discussing UCC ONA beliefs with Evangelical friends.  The script is written in a manner that speaks to Biblical literalists, and it reflects the spirit of 1 Peter 3:15: “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.”))

***

Why do we accept and affirm members of the LGBT community?  I would be happy to try to answer that.

As I answer, I ask a favor: Please listen to this entire explanation before responding.  It will require five uninterrupted minutes of your time.  It is the one courtesy I request, since you have sincerely asked for an explanation.

Is that a reasonable request?

((WAIT FOR POSITIVE RESPONSE.  IF AT ANY TIME YOU ARE INTERRUPTED, SAY SOME VERSION OF THE FOLLOWING: “I see you’ve started to comment.  Would you like me to stop the 5-minute explanation you agreed I could give?”))

Okay, then …

Yes, Scripture does have several passages that read as if they condemn all homosexual acts in all circumstances.  And yes, at first glance it would seem as if we of UCC are “ignoring” those passages.  We are not, however, ignoring them.  We are interpreting them for better understanding.  To help you understand what I mean by that, I will use three examples of an identical approach to Scripture – your own.

EXAMPLE 1:

When you read the fifth chapter of Matthew, you see Jesus commanding you to pluck out your right eye or to cut off your right hand if either causes you to sin.  At no point do you consider that to be a literal command, despite the clarity of the words.  Instead, you immediately conclude that the Lord couldn’t possibly mean for you actually to maim or blind yourself.  You say YES, BUT … and you allow yourself an alternate interpretation of that verse.  At this point in my explanation, it isn’t important what you say after the YES, BUT.  What matters is that something in you, something in your mind and in your heart, immediately led you to reconsider any literal application of those words to your own walk in Christ.

Of course you have other words you think and say after YES, BUT.  You might have hunted down a Scripture that forbids self-maiming, and decided you must interpret Jesus’ words in light of that other Scripture.  You might have researched literary forms and decided some statements in Scripture are hyperbole or symbols.  But the fact is, you would never have started hunting for that other verse if you hadn’t had the YES, BUT moment.  You wouldn’t have been troubled enough to research literary forms if you hadn’t had that YES, BUT moment.

Where did that moment come from?  What made you step back from your customary literalism in order to rightly divide the Word of truth?

EXAMPLE 2:

When you read the letters of Paul and discover the literal instructions that women are not to speak in church at all unless they are directly prophesying with their heads covered, and that certainly no woman is to be a church overseer, something within you immediately says YES, BUT and you begin to research and scrutinize and study to justify why you believe that a woman should be allowed to speak in a church or even lead one.  I am inferring you do that, because many Evangelical ministries have female teachers and prayer leaders and have had female pastors.  Likewise, when you read in Scripture that no man may remarry after divorce because that forces his wife to become an adulteress, and that no leader of a church may remain if his own house is not in order, something in you says YES, BUT and similar research and rationalizing begins.  Again, I infer you must think in this way because many Evangelical churches are led by divorced and remarried men.  So it’s clear that at least they, and very likely you, say in the heart YES, BUT and then work toward understanding God’s Scriptures in light of their (and your) own circumstances.

Again, I ask: Where does that YES, BUT moment come from?

EXAMPLE 3:

When you read the second chapter of 1 Peter in Scripture, you discover that Christian slaves who are being unfairly beaten by their masters, their owners, are directed to take those beatings without complaint, because it is their “calling” in Christ (v. 21).  It probably dawns on you that this passage means that every slave who strives to be free of violence and abuse is, in light of the literal nature of these words of 1 Peter 2, in rebellion against God and in violation of that slave’s Christian calling, a rebel just as Satan was a rebel.  Every slave who is Christian … ancient slaves of Rome, American slaves before the Civil War, modern slaves pressed into sex prostitution … is to quietly take his or her abuse as an appropriate role within the kingdom of God.

Right now, if you are a decent human being, your heart and your mind are saying YES, BUT …

CONCLUSION:

In the UCC, we embrace that YES, BUT moment by means of a single phrase: “God is still speaking,”  We even end the sentence like that, with a comma, to show our commitment to the idea.  When you as an Evangelical feel that YES, BUT moment in your heart as you ponder challenging Scripture, we would call it one of those moments when God is still speaking, the voice of the Spirit still within you.

Yes, Scripture records a demand for the silence of women in churches.  Yes, Scripture records a requirement that a church leader be a once-married male.  Yes, Scripture records the Creator as saying “I hate divorce.”  Yes, Scripture records a condemnation of homosexual activity.  Yes, Scripture records a call for self-maiming to escape sin.  Yes, Scripture records a command to accept unjust slave beatings as the slave’s Christian role.

For five of those six, you, as an Evangelical believer, heed your heart when it says YES, BUT. That is because in that heart of yours, God is still speaking,

We as UCC believers and children of God have that same reaction to all six of those six.

All the studied reasoning you have used to shed light on your five YES, BUT moments — considerations of cultural differences, appeals to other Scriptures, scrutiny of original Greek or Hebrew words, appeals to common sense and literary forms — whatever approach you’ve taken for your five areas, we have as well, and for all six areas.  We stand in agreement with you.  We affirm that yours is a sound, valid way to approach Scripture.  We firmly agree that the Spirit of God within you, the wisdom the Spirit puts in your heart when it says YES, BUT, is holy and noble and righteous.

I don’t ask that you come to the same conclusions we do.  But I do ask, with respect and as your sister in Christ, that you recognize that in these matters our approaches to the Bible are not different from yours.  My actual details for my opinions might not hold water for you, but the approach itself is one you embrace in your own life.  I will worship beside a homosexual believer just as readily as you will accept a divorced and remarried female pastor who rejects slavery.  Both of us must face Scriptures that seem to the unschooled eye to oppose our stances.  But in both of our hearts, God is still speaking His YES, BUT and growing us in the ability to rightly divide the word of truth.

Thank you for allow me to share those thoughts without interruption.

And if you're interested to learn more about us, we also have really cool commercials.

Marana Tha,


Cosmic Parx